Disclaimer – I own nothing related to SPN.

A/N – This has been buzzing in my head for a very, very long time. I’ve finally penned it and am fairly happy with the end result. There are no spoilers, per say, but if you haven’t seen second half of season 3, you will be confused. Please enjoy!

location: Bedroom mood: calm music: none tags: dean, sam, supernatural

 "Love is patient, love is kind. Love is slowly losing your mind." 

location: My Bedroom mood: contemplative music: Who Knows? - Natasha Bedingfield tags: blue eyes, crush, romance

Well I've done it. I've survived the semester, the assignments and the exams and have emerged relatively unscathed. 
But have I really? 
What have I witnessed in the last few months since the onset of autumn? I will admit it, I've been lacking, slacking even. Allowed the meeting of my obligations to slip from over-and-above to merely satisfactory. And this is not satisfactory. I have dreams and goals to achieve, some sooner than others. It's time to get it together. 

So, as the boss of this operation, I'll be doing some reorganization within the company that is me,  letting the more serious, determined, driven side back in the driver's seat, since the relaxed, loose side has kind of let me down. Not completely mind you; school work hasn't suffered the way it could have - but some aspects could have been so much more than they were. 

I feel like its time for a refresher. For so long I struggled with finding me and learning to be comfortable with her. This last little while I feel like I've become more secure in who I am and what I want in life. My little semester of fun and free wheelin' (shout-out to my HS girls!) did do me some good - I've learned to be less uptight about certain things. 

I also feel more in control. This is difficult to explain. Before this time of revalation, as I'll call it, I was externally confident and collect but inside? I was lonely and confused and somewhat miserable. How often did I entertain the horror that this would be where my life would end? Not death - certainly not what I mean. But, I thought, what if this was it? What if I didn't make it? What if I was stuck in this period of my life for all eternity - alone and unhappy?

These questions seem to have evaporated in recently. I don't know what it was exactly, but I feel confident in my ability to control my future. I make the choices, choose the destination - and only me. I think this new year will be the best one yet. Shall I share with you my to do list for 2008? I opt not to call it a list of resolutions - because those are never met, at least not in my world. But my to-do lists? Those, I take seriously. I live for crossing things off. Motivates me to keep going. 

So, here is my 2008 To-List (effective....right now.)

1. Make the Dean's list
2. Keep my personal space organized, neat and clean
3. Implement and stick to Clean-living Lifestyle
4. Dance
5. Begin weight training again - and stick to it!
6. Stay ahead of class work
7. Obtain and exhaust a Y membership
8. Budget
9. Get more sleep 
10. Appreciate each and everyday

There it is - my to-do's. Now, the reason I'm sharing this isn't because I'm self-centred and like to see my words in public (though I do, hehe) but rather, I feel if I share my intentions with the world (because what is the internet if not a global forum?) then I am 110X more likely to follow through. I'm not ready to share this list with anyone close to me in real life - since they tend to get that indulgent, patronizing "right, of course you will" look and seem to supress their urges to pat me on the head. 

Here's to a successful new year and the betterment of me!

XOXO
Elle

location: Bedroom mood: contemplative music: Christmas Themed tags: 2008, elle, hairspray, new years, resolution

No word can more succinctly, more accurately describe the past week than this: hell. I know, we all have bad days, good days, bad weeks, good weekends - but by all accounts this one sucked. There are a multitude of reasons for this apt description of the last 7 or so days.

To begin with, the entirety of last weekend was spend preparing for my first exam of the semester (which, I am pleased to report - I did well on). On it's own, no it wasn't horrible - merely the duty of any half-way dedicated university student entering the end-of-semester rush that is December. The weekend also consisted of the worst snow storm we've seen here (this winter, that is) - an as a new driver it is somewhat disconcerting when the car begins to rotate instead of stop at the octagonal red sign on the corner. So the weekend - not peachy, not horrific in and of itself. 

Monday rolled by in a haze of study notes, multiple choice questions and slushy roads. The bright part of the evening was when my brand new iPod arrived via UPS. The downside of this was the four hours I spent trying to get it to work on my wonderfully Vista laptop. 

Tuesday was work, and then more studying in the evening. At least, that was the plan. Per the usual, the plan didn't go according to. Instead, I was an observer of world war three as my father and bro had an all out roe. Screaming, yelling, pushing, swearing - to utter mortification, in front of a guest, no less. It was not peaceful, nor was it conducive to studying. I was once again relegated to household mediator and intervned before the fight escalated. Everyday, the desire to leave my family and never look back is a little bit stronger. If only for that cursed financial situation which is relative poverty then I probably would be long gone. Miraculously, I accomplished a great deal on Tuesday.

As sleep eluded me Tuesday night, I was awake to watch the red numbers of my clock flick to the designated alarm-going-off-time and then watch as it flipped to the next moment, not an annoying beep or buzz to be heard. Stupid clock. Good thing I was awake anyways. Work was busy, as usual on Wednesdays and that night I had to cram in the last few hours of notes.

Thursday - the precursor to exam-weekend-extravaganza! Thursday was spent learning the intimate details of the Gutksan people; the death practices of the British and founder of the participant obeservation study in an effort to prep for my cultural anthropology exam. Hours upon hours of facts and detailed living accounts - all while pouring coffee down my throat. At midnight I gave into the hunger and called for pizza (after 5 cups of coffee and a frapaccino). The charming man on the other end of the line was ever so sweet as he tried to for phone-fornication and the subsequent heavy-breathing calls later that evenings. Didn't add to my stress level in anyway. Nope. Not one bit. 

Finally, Friday was here. My first exam was that afternoon and I met the BFF for studying and lunch/coffee/afternoon snack (11-3:30 p.m.) after her 9 a.m. exam so we could prep together for 4 p.m. The day started wonderfully as I came finished paying at the gas station and discovered my locks were frozen, trapping my cell phone and laptop on the front seat. After 15 minutes of struggle, a good samaratin offered his assistance and I was on my way to campus. Fortunatly, I've come to expect such delays due to (bad) luck and always allot enough time for traffic and crisis. After the 20 minute icy trek from car to campus, BFF and I settled in for a long afternoon of cramming knowledge into our heads.

I can't say how the exam went, as I felt good about parts and clueless about others. Who knows. I've already calculated that if I fail the exam I pass the class anyways, and I am pretty confident I didn't fail. No time to dwell though, as I raced home (after the aforementioned icy trek back to the car - now with wet feet and getting stuck behind an idiot who thought both red and green meant stop and sit through the light 8 times in a row!) to prepare for the TWO exams I had today. 

Saturday - oh how I used to enjoy them. I started today by writing six, that's right, six essays for my philosophy exam and wondering how many more sentences I could scrawl before my hand actually detached from my body. Then it was back with the BFF to cram for German Culture Studies. I don't know how much I retained - regardless, the prof gave misleading information about the exam and what to study. I am confident that I bullsh**ted pretty well through the (3) essays I had on this one. 

And now, my loyal readers - if any of you are left after this long, winded recap of my week - I am sitting at my uncle
s house at 12 a.m. after days of too much coffee and too little sleep, to mind my cousin while they Christmas-party. I don't begrudge them or anything, it's just the exhaustion talking. 

I have one exam next week - my last one, but it's bookended by two great days - coffee and Chapters with my aunt and, of course, HAIRSPRAY the MUSICAL. Hopefully I'll have come out of my exam-induced coma by Wednesday. 

The one, but powerful, redeeming feature of Hell-Week? 

It. Is. Over.

XOXO
Elle

location: Uncle's Basement mood: - understatement of the year.. tags: exams, hairspray, hell, school, studying

Hello my dear readers, all two of you. 
It has been a while since my last entry and I wanted to take a moment between assignments and midterms to update. 

So, last Saturday I went to my company Christmas party, even though my "date", my co-worker Jill ditched me. (I've forgiven her though, aren't I nice?). It wasn't what I expected. It was held at a local hotel, decorated nicely enough. However, it was largely a couple event and I was missing the other half of a couple. The music was atrocious, the food cold, drinks beyond expensive, the speeches were long and the new company head, whom until this point had come across in email as a great, funny guy; told a number of tasteless jokes at the expense of his wife and made some references that were only amusing to the execs and not us lowly pleebs. I left earlyish, after dinner and as the music/dancing was starting. One of the women sitting with us, K we'll call her, her husband of 25 years (who also works for the our company) had just left her for a younger, also married woman we'll call Trash McHobag (she too works at our company). At one point in the evening K left our table because she'd been upset by something and needed air. My best girlfriend, there with her BF, turned to me and said, rather thoughtlessly, that it must be hard to attend these events alone. Internally, I replied that yea, it really was. To her I said it probably was, as though I had know idea. I think she realized what she said though, from the look she gave me, trying to read my reaction to the comment. I changed the subject, but the evening was officially over for me. The comment, though unintentional, had summoned up the feelings of loneliness that on occasion threaten to overwhelm me and I had to leave. From what I understand, no one else stayed much longer, so I wasn't out of place in my leaving. 

Yesterday, I went to the afformentioned BFF's 20th birthday party, which wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. Don't get me wrong, I love the girl, but aside from her brother and her BF, I knew nobody else on the guest list and parties/crowds aren't my thing to begin with. I ended up staying much longer than I expect and it wasn't horrible. I actually had an okay time. Who knew. Despite the fact that I didn't have a drop of alcohol last night, I woke up today with a migraine from hell

So, I have exactly one week of classes left and then I am DONE. Well, actually exams start and then I am really done. Thank goodness. I am so wiped. I have two papers and a midterm this week and I couldn't get myself to do any of the things I needed to get done this weekend. Guess I'll have some late nights this week. December 13th or Freedom '07 as I've taken to calling it, is coming ever closer and I'll be rejoining my zikki buds at FF. To all my American friends, happy belated Thanksgiving - sorry it's late, I always have trouble remembering your Thanksgiving is in the middle of the week, I feel like it's on the weekend instead. Hope you had a good one!

Bought my Hairspray DVD the second it was on sale (well, not quite, but you know). I LOVE the special features, especially the alternate version of YCSTB - it was so funny! Haven't watched all of them yet, but it is definately at the top of my to-do list (right under finished the semester without failing, lol).  Also bought a new iPod Nano- should be coming in the mail this week - I am super excited about it! I can now download shows and such - this is eggsellent (a la Mr. Burns, of course).  Well, I'd better go now, the grindstone is calling my name. After all, essays won't write themselves (but that'd be awesome if they did).

XOXO
Elle

 Did it hurt when you fell from heaven, angel?

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

I was suppose to go to a party on Friday night. My friend was being emailed the direction by another co-worker, who happens to DJ and organize house parties. I thought he'd email them to me too, since he was dogged about asking if I'd show up. I didn't give him a definite answer, because I didn't know. But I really, really wanted to go. I was excited at the prospect. This was big for me - I usually hate parties.  He didn't email them to me though. And my friend didn't call. I should have taken it for a sign as to what the rest of the weekend would hold.

Saturday was one those days. You know the ones I mean - those days where more crappy things are jammed into your waking hours than you ever thought possible. I feel like I've had one of those weekends. 
I started off the day well enough, eager (yea right)  to get a jump start on studying for the two midterms I have Monday. Got up insanely early for a Saturday - the first one I haven't worked in forever, I might add - and hauled my cute self over to Starbucks - the addiction of choice. Things were going well, my family was in abscentia so I opted to spread out at the kitchen table instead of being crammed into my closet-sized room. 

I should have stayed in the closet-room. Maybe then I wouldn't have overheard the two men on the street screaming at each other. Maybe I wouldn't have gone to the window and watched in horror as one man lunged at the other, wrapping his hands around the other's throat. Maybe I wouldn't have witnessed the chokee attempt to drive his car into the other guys house. Maybe, I wouldn't have called 911, tentative as it was, hating the tremble in my voice and the way my fingers shook ever-so as I depressed the number pad. Maybe the police wouldn't have parked in front of my house after I'd been promised they wouldn't. Maybe the officer wouldn't have rolled his eyes and huffed at me after I told him he was going to the wrong house...

                                                                                 ...if if's and but's were candies and nuts...

After that, I headed off to babysit for a friend of my mom's. Her daughter is about 18 months and in that phase where she recognizes the babysitter and subsequently bursts into tears upon laying her pretty blue eyes on me. Actually, once the waterworks stop, she's a pretty good kid - went to bed easily enough. I then embarked on a long, long journey into my psychology textbooks. The days was looking up or at least, was going steady. 

Then I locked my keys in my car. With the ignition running. I had to make another SOS call to get my spare keys delivered to me. 

On the plus side, I did get to spend time talking with J, Baby Blue's mommy. She's not that much older than me and is currently in the dating game. So, she is excellent to talk to about that sort of stuff. She's actually the only person in my life I feel comfortable enough discussing that sort of thing. She gave me some good advice, I will definately be taking it to heart. 

Well, thats my rant of the day. 
Off to study now.

XOXO
Elle

location: Bedroom mood: stressed tags: police, weekend

I just love being able to make friends online! It's alot easier than in person, because you can just be yourself (and if you are freakishly addicted to all things HS, you can find others just like you!) I love all my FF friends - thanks for all the laughs and chats guys - you're just what a girl needs after "a whole lotta ugly from a never ending parade of stupid." 
Thanks guys *hugs*

location: Bedroom mood: grateful music: Chasing Cars

Welcome to my brand new Live Journal! This is very exciting for me; as I know many people with LJ but was sadly not in the club until recently! 
I'll post something more interesting next time, I promise!